One more brilliant Freecycle

The day after my post, Ray the Freecycle auteur delivered this gem on the list. It’s an inspiring read, and I couldn’t resist reposting.

OFFER: Kavorka & story; Fast Lane, E. Mgm:

Mysterious Lights in England Linked to Alabama Kavorka

(AUPI)  Observers in London, England saw strange lights appear in the night sky 7 June. Most say they seemed to form a pattern directed toward Area 51, in the former colonies. Upon further investigation, NASA scientists discovered they were actually pointing to a street in Montgomery, AL called Fast Lane.
NASA sent their lead scientist, Stanley Kramer, to investigate the phenomena. Kramer has been known to possess a personal kavorka, and it was immediately apparent when he arrived on Fast Lane. People immediately gathered round him, even though life there surely makes you lose your mind, and the locals were no exception.

Henry, an expatriate from England, provided information about some of the residents. The widow next door had a Henry kavorka, as she attracted seven of them. Her last husband died of mysterious causes after she found out his name was really James, James Bond. CSI discovered remnants of a martini on the table next to him that appeared to have been stirred, not shaken, but found no evidence of foul play. Without proof of involvement, the insurance company paid the widow his secret pension, reportedly $007M. She now seemed to have her eye on Henry.

Across the street lives Dan T. He likes to barbecue in the front yard, and his saucy kavorka attracted most of the people on the street. He had to be cautious, though. One evening the witchy woman next to him came over in a rage, sparks flying from her fingertips. As neighbors watched, the grill erupted into Dan T.’s inferno. In the corner house lives a young girl the locals call Winslow. It seems when she’s standing on the corner it’s a fine sight to see. They say she’s trouble, though, particularly when she’s driving her flatbed Ford. Her real name is Lolita, and she has a teacher kavorka. There were dark rumors several instructors from the local high school got in trouble for their extended tutoring sessions with her. Most days now her Ford is parked up the street at the Hotel California. Although she comes home for short visits, problems with her bill keep arising, so the hotel will let her check out but seldom leave.

The FBI sent two agents to collaborate with Kramer, Fyodor Pasternak and Boris Dostoyevsky. Trained in Russian investigative techniques, they wrote extensively of their findings. Dostoyevsky was quoted as saying “I’ve never seen such a crime, and no punishment.” Pasternak nixed his compatriot, saying the strange kavorka was obviously the work of the evil Dr. Chicago. A local journalist, Kate Turabian, tried to interview the two, but kept getting her references wrong. She told the two their stories and metaphors were mixed, they should be more consistent with their footnotes. The two FBI agents told her to get with it, she was so ‘70s. Pasternak told her to use MLS, while Dostoyevsky insisted on APA. They were still arguing when a rushing revolution swept them away.

Mr. Milton told this reporter the street used to be paradise, with lots of warm kavorka, but all that is now lost. On the other hand, the café serves good meatloaf. And when it’s dark outside, the neighbors turn on their dashboard lights so you can see paradise. As he told us, two out of three ain’t bad, particularly that glow like the edge of a metal knife.

Dear administrator, sorry, I had to try and slip this one through. rt


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